Installment #5 – Insurance

Most people have to wait 90 days before they can take full advantage of any insurance benefits that their company may offer. However, I was blessed enough to join a company where benefits started immediately. I am definitely one of those people that take full advantage of my entire medical, dental and eye plans. Shoot good benefits are hard to come by and I’m paying monthly for them anyway.  So if you aren’t, immediately after reading this, get to dialing and scheduling your appointments. Remember if you have time to club, shop, eat and spend countless hours in front of the TV, then you need to make time to make sure your body is in the best of health! Throughout this journey, medical coverage has been one of the things I’ve haven’t had to stress or worry about. I simply place my insurance card on the counter and pay my co-pay. I walk into Wal-mart, hand them my prescription card and get my medication for the low, and since I am up to eight pills now, that’s a blessing. However, all good things come to an end.

              About a week ago I was notified that I am being laid off. In roughly 60 days I will be without employment. You would think with my illness, the recent exits of friends/family from my life and now this news I would be jumping off my patio….BUT GOD! About a month ago, God told me this was coming and to be prepared. So I told him if that was the case, then I need the peace that surpasses ALL understanding. Sure enough, I have a peace that I can’t describe. I am so damn happy I could BURST. Not that anything has gotten better, but I have an eternal joy. Regardless of what’s going on around me, I serve a God that has been faithful so I know this is “light work” for the big guy upstairs.

              While many of us are blessed to have medical insurance, we must not forget we also have an insurance plan with God. The good thing is you don’t have to wait 90 days to receive it. It is instantaneous, the minute you put your hand in his hand and believe he is your savior. You can’t get dropped because you have a pre-existing condition, you don’t have to pick your benefits because God customizes it to your specific needs and you’ll never receive a bill because your coverage has already been paid in full. 

              Our faith in God’s insurance should be no different than the faith we have in our health plans. Actually you should have reassurance that God’s coverage is better equipped to meet your needs. Every time you lay your insurance card on the counter you expect to receive full benefits with no issues. That’s the same way our prayers work. When we lay them on the alter before God, we should have a guarantee that they will be answered. Maybe not in the time we think he should, but definitely when we need it. What’s even better is the fact that God knows the full scope of our lives and although we prayed for one thing, he answers the internal quiet prayers we only thought and didn’t say aloud. There is normally a co-pay associated with whatever health coverage you have. Going to God with our requests also require a co-pay. It is called faith. Just like your insurance co-pay; it is due before services are rendered. Your spiritual co-pay works the same way. The bible is clear that you should make your requests known to God, however it goes on to say you must believe in faith that what you are asking God for he will do (that’s your co-pay). Many times we go to God asking for things that we honestly don’t believe we deserve, are qualified for, or that God will even do. That defeats the purpose of even going to God. Why waste his and your time if you don’t even think you are worthy of what you are asking?

              Remember we serve a God that is patient, compassionate and loving. He is all-knowing, faithful and in the business of ensuring his children have all they need. God is not spooky, weird or so deep you need a lifejacket to talk to him. A simple honest prayer is all you need. I read something in “Our Daily Bread” this week that mentioned even a five minute prayer can be enough. Sometimes we spend so much time rambling that we miss the importance of the prayer itself. God is probably thinking “what the heck is she talking about. I know she just wants healing for her body, but she spent the first 20 minutes of this prayer talking about a whole bunch of nothing (points to self)”. The bible says, write the vision and make it plain. That’s how our prayers should be. Get to the point. Be honest (why do we hide stuff from God like he doesn’t know our thoughts before we think them?). And if you struggle with how to pray or what to pray for…there are clear directions in the bible. It goes a little something like this…”Our father, who art in heaven….GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!).

              It’s time for us to have more faith in God then we do in man because he or she has a Dr. before their name. Stop allowing people of the world to dictate to you what your life should be. You serve a God that said, “You are the head and NOT the tail, above and NOT beneath, the lender and NOT the borrower.” So why are you accepting other people’s opinions and expectations for your life? Work on building your faith. Remember you only need faith the size of a mustard seed to make things happen. Be reassured that God is NOT slack concerning his promises. Know that when you lay your burdens, requests, needs, wants, desires, secret thoughts on the alter before God, he hears you and will give you everything you need in the season you were designed to have it. But remember your co-pay (faith) must be paid before God can move. It is what activates the blessings God has in store for you.

              In closing….let me soothe your worry. Yes I will not have a job in 60 days. Yes I am open to employment opportunities. Yes I still don’t know what’s happening in my body. But NO I am not worried, NO I am not depressed and NO I am not ready to jump off the patio (lol). In fact I have a joy that is deep in the pit of my soul. I have a peace that could calm the roughest sea. But most importantly I have an expectation that God is about to do something stupid, outrageous, unique, extraordinary, disrespectful, out of the box and amazing that it will leave all of us in awe of his glory and power. I’m past the faith the size of a mustard seed. My faith is about the size of a watermelon at this point. So we don’t have time to wallow in feelings that aren’t productive. It’s time to prepare a foundation of faith and expectation for the blessing that God promised I wouldn’t have room to receive. Okay God…..on your mark, get set….GO!!!!

Until next time…

Installment #4 – The Waiting Room

I’m not going to lie, I’m sick of this shit (sorry mom). I’m tired of popping pills, waking up in pain; being sleepy, plastering a fake smile on my face and believing things will get better. I’m tired of going to doctor after doctor, being asked the same questions, poked, pressed, stretched and stabbed only to leave without a diagnosis. I’m sick of the looks the doctors and specialist give me as if they don’t believe I’m experiencing the pain I am. I’m tired of putting on for friends and family when the truth is I want to quit, I want to give up, I want to be done with this shit (sorry again mom). The waiting game might be the hardest part of this journey. I remember telling the 6^th doctor I’d seen in my last visit to just tell me it’s cancer or something so we can move on. The truth is I don’t really want cancer; I just want to know what this is that is taking over my body and develop a path forward.

              I struggled with sharing this part of the story because everyone has been so encouraging about holding on and trusting God. But I wouldn’t be true to the purpose of this journey if I didn’t share the real raw side of trusting God. I have learned in this walk with our Creator, there is a lot of time spent in the “waiting room” of life. And if you have ever been in a waiting room, whether it was at the hospital, hair salon or doctor’s office, you know there aren’t enough magazines, TV news or small talk in the world. All you are thinking is damn my appointment was at 10:00 and it’s 10:30 and I still haven’t been called back. That’s how this walk of faith with God is. You know you are destined for greatest, you know he will come through but trusting his timing is a killer. The waiting room is the period in which you are building your faith, testing whether you really believe all that stuff you say. See when we aren’t going through we will shout at the highest mountain top that God is good, He’s always on time and you trust him with your life. However the minute trouble comes, all that goes straight out the window.

              Waiting on God is hard because you are trying to convince your flesh to believe in spiritual things. My spirit woman has been on board with God since this started. Convincing her that God will heal and deliver was a piece of cake. But it is my human side, my flesh that isn’t buying it. See my flesh only remembers the pain, loneliness and abandonment. She only operates in fact and not on faith. She knows what she sees, feels and remembers from past experiences. So trying to tell her that God is working this thing out does nothing to satisfy the pain that is being felt as I type this. My flesh wants results NOW and honestly….I’m with her on that!

              I would be a liar if I said I don’t have faith that God is going to work this out. However I am so mad at him right now that I could scream. Actually I do scream and cry a lot at God (mostly in the car and the shower). I am mad because no one can tell me what is happening to my body. I go into every doctor’s appointment hoping this is the game changer visit. I’m mad because God is being silent. He’s not talking; he’s not showing up…he simply has me sitting in the waiting room guessing when he’ll call my name. I’m mad because I know this quiet period is the building and testing of my faith. It’s uncomfortable, it’s challenging, it’s growth and it’s hard. Look, you don’t have to remind me that this is a part of the process. I know that. Honestly I don’t want hear. Not because it isn’t true, but because today my flesh has a slight lead over my spirit woman. I know what I have to do…feed my spirit. Strengthen her to win the battle over my flesh. Shoot it shouldn’t be hard, because my flesh is being beat down by this illness anyway. Know your intercessory prayers are definitely helping to build her back up while I struggle internally.  But that doesn’t change my frustration with God. Funny thing is; I’m sure my frustration is minor to our Creator. He probably laughs at the idea. But because he is a sensitive and loving God, I know he is empathetic to my honest feelings. I love that my relationship with God is real and authentic. I don’t go in with all the spooky deep talk. I simply go to him like I would my girlfriends. I tell him exactly how I’m feeling and what I think. I’m sure God thinks I am a complete nut…LOL. But there is no sense in putting on for God, when he knows my thoughts before I even think them.

              Building faith is HARD! God said we only need to have faith the size of a mustard seed…have you seen a mustard seed? It’s tiny! You would think it would be easy to build that amount of faith. Unfortunately that isn’t the case. Faith is built not for the current situation, but for the next dimension or level God is moving you too. Think about it like this….do you remember playing Mario Bros as a kid. At the end of every level you had to fight some random bad guy for an extra life or two. Then when you got to the next level that same bad guy you just defeated was actually who you would have to fight to win that level. Those extra lives came in handy though. That’s how building faith works. God gives you a glimpse, a preview, a snapshot. He shows you the beginning and the end of a thing, but never the middle. If he showed us what we had to go through we wouldn’t want to do it. We’d complain it would be too hard and we’d never build faith in God or in ourselves for that matter. So God shows you the beginning and what the end will be which is that you will win. Your faith is built during the “middle” of the journey. So when you reach the end (because God declared you would) you will have unwavering faith in God and in yourself. You’ll be able to say to that mountain, move and the mountain will be moved. (FYI…stop climbing these mountains in life….God said SPEAK to it and it will move. So speak to that situation and watch it change. Some of yall been wasting time, tiring yourself out and stressing over things you only needed to speak too, not fight, climb and battle!)

              I have no idea how much longer I will be in this waiting room. And honestly if I am here for the rest of my life, the truth of the matter is God has already done enough. I remember having a conversation with my pastor about an unrelated issue (let’s NOT even go there). He told me God is trying to teach me the purpose and value of patience which is completely different than learning patience. I’m sure from the cross-eyed look I gave him he could see I wasn’t buying it. He told me I have already learned patience, but I struggle with understanding the value and purpose of being patient. After I took a retrospective look at our discussion I had to agree (not willingly…lol). I don’t have a problem with being patient, but the controlling aspect of who I am and some deep rooted scars from my past put me in a place where I have to know why things are the way they are. Not because I plan to change them, but there is security in being able to have tangible reasons for why. However, we know there are plenty of times in our spiritual walk where you don’t ever get a reason, you just experience what you experience and life goes on. However if God could send me a Facebook message, email or text to let me know he hasn’t forgotten that would be cool too (LOL…but very serious). So maybe while I’m in this lonely waiting room, I will learn the purpose and value of patience. But Lord knows learning patience and its purpose is hard as Chinese arithmetic. Be careful when you ask for patience…because you never get the lesson the way you thought you would. God gives the test than teaches the lesson…and I was never a fan of “pop- up quizzes” in school.

              Whatever waiting room you are in, whether you are waiting on new job, a husband or wife, children, healing in your body, rest in your mind, whatever…sit still and WAIT. I won’t promise that we won’t get weak; that we won’t want to throw in the towel and walk clear out of this damn waiting room. I can actually guarantee those feelings will happen. But we have to promise that we will do our best to sit still and let God work. Let this waiting room period build our faith for the journey ahead.  So while we’re sitting in this waiting room, we must prepare to read all the magazines, suffer through the uninteresting TV and visit the snack and coffee machine as often as need. Just make sure your spiddy senses are active so you don’t miss when God calls your name.

Until next time…..

Installment #3 - Side Effects

 We know all medication has some sort of side effect(s). Sometimes when I hear those commercials on TV for all these medications, the side effects alone make you pray to God you never encounter that disease. Like seriously, it almost seems better to die from the disease, because the medicinal side effects will take you out anyway. You never hear them say; it will lift your mood, make you a healthy 10lbs lighter, get you a boo or make you a millionaire. It’s always some deep dark list of depressing side effects that make you want to jump off your patio. What I have learned through this illness is that the medication isn’t the only thing with side effects. There are “side effects” to everything. The reality is, we don’t call it that, but simply refer to them as consequences or karma…whatever your pleasure.

The hardest reality I have had to accept is that things aren’t always as they seem. Illness has a way of showing you people’s true colors. Now I know many will get offended, but if the shoe fits than buy it in two colors. Gone are the days when I will walk on egg shells and pacify bad behavior. We have GOT TO DO BETTER. I mentioned this before, and I will say it again, people make time for the things that are important to them. If they can’t make time they will make excuses. Now I am not saying that in our daily lives we don’t get busy and distracted, but that’s only good for the first day or two. If this is consistent behavior it is no longer a simple slip of the mind but unacceptable behavior. Going through tough situations not only shows you who you are, but exposes the people around you. Those are the side effects that kind of sneak up on you and surprise the hell out of you. See a lot of people will hold you down when things are going good, when your situation doesn’t impose on their happiness or when they have time to engage you. But it is in your darkest hour that true friends (and family) shine the brightest. These are the people who step up, step in and hold you down for as long as you need them to without question, issue or obligation.

Now you will spend the first few days trying to convince yourself there is no way he or she wouldn’t be here for you. We’ve been down like four flats on a Cadillac since 1992…LOL. But the reality is it is VERY POSSIBLE. However what you must do is focus on the people who ARE THERE. Spend your energy (or what little you have) allowing those who WANT to be there, to be there. I don’t want people who are in my life when it is convenient for them. I don’t want you around if you have to know all the details and severity of my situation before you are actively engaged and I’m downright sick of people with a laundry list of excuses. Now I have to remind myself that I can’t judge people because they don’t do the things I would do in friendship, however I know how I desire and deserve to be treated. So if you aren’t interested in actively participating in this friendship, going above and beyond and matching my effort….then there’s the door. No hard feelings, I’ll still speak to you when I see you in Wal-mart, but the space you once occupied is now VACANT!

 I know Drake said, “No new friends”, but I am a witness some of my NEW FRIENDS have treated me better than my OLD FRIENDS. People I didn’t even consider “friends” have stepped up in ways that I can’t even describe without getting emotional. Also I have had some people who I haven’t talked to in years to step up. Not because they are nosey, but because despite our past together, they have a love for me that never went away. This is when you realize that being nice, pleasant and respectful of everyone is important, regardless of your relationship with that person. The bible is clear, you reap what you sow; so if you put out good…you will reap good and you will reap it in the season when you most need it!

              Illness not only affects your body but has a tremendous effect on your mood. Any doctor, nurse or medical professional will tell you that the greatest “medicine” for a patient is the love and support of family and friends. That support helps keep the patient’s mood and spirit in a good place. This is essential to combating the disease or illness. It is very easy to slip into depression and pity. Not to mention, most medications indicate they cause depression or thoughts of suicide as a side effect. Dang…how encouraging is that? LOL. Having consistent, loyal, caring family and friends around me during this difficult time has done more for my healing than any pill I’ve been prescribed. Those feelings of death and depression are REAL and there are many times in our lives when we really don’t have the spiritual strength to go to God for ourselves. Why do you think preachers emphasize the importance of intercessory prayer? Not because they don’t have anything better to do on a Monday night, but because they know the value of interceding on behalf of others. They know the power of standing in the GAP. Don’t believe me; let me give you some bible. The word says that when we don’t know what to pray for, the Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf to the father…so if the Holy Spirit knows the importance what makes you think it’s not necessary…I digress. Sometimes people don’t need you to speak, provide your unwarranted advice or spew your negativity. Most times people simply need you to listen, be a shoulder to cry on (JUDGEMENT FREE) or simply pray with and for them.

(put a quarter in the meter here)

              There is a BIG difference between praying for and with someone. You can pray for ANYONE. But when you pray WITH someone, you should be touching and agreeing on whatever it is you are petitioning the father for. So don’t touch unless you agree. Make sure you are walking in spiritual discernment and not asking God for fleshly things. Need an example: You and your friend should NOT be touching and agreeing that her boo-thang (that is married) will leave his wife and be with her. That is disobedience and downright STUPID. I know that’s a bit dramatic, but you get my point. And your ability to pray with or for someone is NOT contingent on knowing all the details of their situation. With limited to NO details, drop to your knees and go to God. He is the author and finisher of our lives, so he doesn’t need you telling him stuff he already knows. He just wants to see you activate your faith in his ability to heal, save, deliver and bless. GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!!!

*Time on the meter has run out*

              Funny thing is not all the side effects are immediate. Sometimes it takes time before the side effects actually set in. But know the minute you pop that first pill, make the first bad decision, go against your better judgment, the seed has already been planted. You know how the bible says for everything there is a season? That isn’t just for the good things, but for everything under the sun. Good, bad and ugly! Therefore today you may not think there are consequences to that thing you know you shouldn’t have done, because the excitement of “doing it” supersedes anything bad you could possibly imagine. But know in due season that seed will take root and form a bud. And before you know it, you’ll be trying to figure out why these things are happening in your life that you didn’t expect….SIDE EFFECTS.

               It is important for us to be conscious of the decisions we make. We won’t always get it right, but we should be striving to do better daily. Side effects are not exclusive to you the patient, but directly and indirectly affect those around you. The side effect may not hit you in your lifetime, but best believe your kids may have to battle that thing. Get your house in order. Life is hard without added stress. Prepare a life for your kids where they don’t have to battle the scars you never healed, endure the pain from the conversations you never had and the list goes on and on. You won’t be able to save them from everything, but you can ensure they are equipped to handle the things that arise. Take charge of your life. Stop letting stuff just happen to you. God said “Faith without works is dead.” So STOP just believing things will change, and actively participate in the change. You can simply start with just changing your mind set. Start speaking the change you want to see. Again, the bible says Life and Death are in the power of the tongue.  You have the power to speak life into any situation. Speak positivity over negativity. Start calling those things that are not as though they were and watch it happen. Speak over your life, your family’s life, your children; folks at work, shoot….the even the car if it’s acting up…speak healing on it! Lol.

              There will always be side effects; that we know to be true. However, we have the power to minimize the direct effect it has on our lives. Start by cleaning house. Rid yourself of toxic relationships, friendships, drama, etc. Monitor your intake. The music, TV shows, social media, even the conversations you entertain. Whether you realize it or not, your subconscious is downloading this stuff and it starts to change and shape the decisions and mindsets you have. Stop giving life and attention to stuff that doesn’t add any value to your life.

*SIDEBAR* (Now I love me some Beyonce like that next person. She is beautiful, talented and at the top of her game. But guess what I have the same 24hrs she has to take over the world daily. I see so many people spend so much time and energy on her life or the lives of celebrities or these imaginary “haters” and don’t invest half the time in themselves. Then complain they aren’t going to the next level in life. How do you have more pictures of Beyonce’s daughter Blue Ivy on your page than you do your own kids?  Or you post pictures of the rack and racks of high-end clothing/shoe brands you’ve purchased, but if I asked to see your saving account you’d look at me crossed eyed. You have the ability to build wealth and stability, but you can’t if you’re more focused on the blessing of someone else. It’s time to start investing permanently in you. The God I serve guarantees that he is not a respecter of persons…there for Beyonce watch out girl…you’ll be sharing that spotlight very soon!)

              More importantly, I want to THANK EVERYONE who has prayed, sent a kind word, texted, called, interceded or just thought of me during this journey. Those of you on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, internationally and stateside. There is way TOO MANY to name. Thank you to YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YES YOU TOO! You will NEVER EVER know what your thoughts of love have done for me during this challenging time. Your gestures have been instrumental in keeping me in a positive place. In my darkest hours, I go back and read your comments and texts and look at the call log to remind myself this journey isn’t being walked along. But I am walking this journey hand in hand & heart in heart with people who believe in the healing power of God. I am humbled God would choose me and truly believe “For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak and not lie; though it tarry, wait for it; for it will CERTAINLY come, it will NOT tarry” (Habakkuk 2:3). So I need y’all to stay strong with me, keep praying, keep sending those encouraging message, because the vision will certainly come and the glory of the Lord will be revealed. And one thing I know about God is you don’t have to receive the blessing to be blessed….you can get blessed from the OVERFLOW…and it is my prayer that everyone connected to this gets blessed in the OVERFLOW of whatever God is preparing to do!

              Until next time…..

Installment #2 – The Background

Anyone who is a writer knows the suspense is what keeps your readers engaged and coming back for more. So forgive me for not giving you everything up front. I wanted you to get the purpose of my installments and not be so distracted by the irrelevant – my illness. However, as a writer I owe you enough information to be functional in my writing. Let me take you back to the day my life changed. Now, I am not the healthiest person but I continuously work to be better. I hate to work out, sometimes I “cheat” and eat really bad things but I am consistent with making and keeping my doctor appointments. Furthermore, I am in-tune with my body, so I know when something isn’t quite right.

One day I noticed a small red bump on my hand. It didn’t hurt, didn’t itch so I just ignored it. How many times have you noticed a cut or mark that you didn’t even remember getting?  Days later, I woke up and my left arm was really numb. I just assume I slept wrong and maybe it had fallen asleep. The following week my right arm was in the same condition. Still nothing to ring the alarm about. That next week my hands started to hurt. I chalked it up as carpal tunnel and briefly mentioned it to my physician. She suggested getting some braces to wear at night, to counteract me tucking my hands under my head while I slept.

Later, I noticed the small red bump on my hands was joined by a few more on my arms. Then a butterfly shaped rash appeared. Again it didn’t hurt or itch, but didn’t seem right. At no point was I connecting the dots. There was no way the rash and the pain in my hands and arms were related. I just assumed everything was a coincidence. I made another appointment with my doctor and she asked if I had been out in the yard or bit by something. Now if you know me…like really know me. You know the Diva in me isn’t getting anywhere close to a garden, yard, or anything that would put me in a position to be “bit” or “attacked” lol. Nonetheless she drew blood and ran test. She too brushed the rash off as simply a bite or something that would simply go away on it’s on. That’s when the seed of fear and uncertainty was planted. My test results came back and showed my vitamin D was low. She put me on a supplement and sent me on my way.

              Two days later my arms and hands shut down. Let me be clear, literally I could not use them. Could not move; lift myself out of the bed, nothing. Next time you wake up, try sitting up without leaning your weight on your hands and arms. I bet you will truly thank God for the activity of your limbs. Talk about scary. I was eventually able to muster up enough strength to get out of the bed and call a friend who took me to the emergency room. Unfortunately they couldn’t offer anything more than pain pills and a hefty bill. They too ran test and the ER doctor mentioned my blood count was really low. I am no medical doctor so those words went in one ear and out the other. I immediately made an emergency doctor’s appointment for the next day. Now we all know the doctor office routine. When you go to any appointment they check your weight. In a matter of 5 days I had lost almost 15lbs. Now my doctor was realizing this “unknown” was more serious than she imagined. Not only was my vitamin D low but so was my iron (back to that low blood count). It was starting to be clear that everything was related.

****Spiritual Moment****

              Isn’t God awesome, he designed us in a way that our body will tell us when something is wrong? And it becomes like a domino effect, forcing us to take notice…just be thankful the creator loves us enough to send a “message”! So LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!!!

              She ran more blood test, but this time the dynamics of those results were more definitive. This time she was checking specifically for Lupus, Lyme disease and a few other things. I had heard of Lupus and when those scary commercials about fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis came on TV, I always wonder who actually got those illnesses. So when the reality was I could be the chosen one, I was SCARED TO DEATH. I promise waiting for the results was probably at the same degree as someone who’s waiting to find out if they are HIV positive or not. Two days later, as I sat across from my doctor, the look on her face confirmed the news wasn’t good. “You tested positive for Lupus”. That’s all I heard, nothing else she said matter. I had done research, I had friends who had Lupus, so I was very clear about what it could do your body.  I left the office hurt, frustrated, depressed, confused, angry, and an emotional wreck. The seed of fear and uncertainty had taken root.When I finally got close to my house, I pulled over and called my mother. I couldn’t even get the words, “I have Lupus” out without sobbing. Now I know all the spiritual people will say don’t speak those things out loud, God is a healer; we are going to pray this thing out of you. But you know what I say to that, I agree, however sometimes we can be so spiritual deep that we don’t realize God was clear when he said, “my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways.”

What are you saying Diva?

People used to always tell me I was so inspiring and inspirational. Then on April 26^, 2008, the Wilmington (DE) Alumnae chapter of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc. named me “Inspiration”.  FYI…there’s power in a name. Then I posted something on Instagram that said, I want people to be inspired by me, I wanted them to say meeting her changed my life. I even got “Inspiration” tatted on my foot, because everywhere I walk I want to inspire and allow God to transform lives through me. So after I initially processed “having lupus” and had cried all I could cry, I heard the still voice of God say, “You don’t get to choose how you Inspire”. It hit me like a ton of bricks. See, we know we have a destiny, but we want to control how we walk in that destiny. We want God to play by our rules. We want to fulfill our destiny on the days we feel motivated to do so, through the situations that bring us the most joy and without having to work. Well wake up and smell the roses, God isn’t on our time and his ways and thoughts ARE NOT our ways and thoughts. Sometimes having an illness or struggle is God’s way of sending a message to someone else. I have found in this life, many times we go through things so others don’t have to. Our life is an example of the power of God. Sometimes we are forced to live with an illness for the rest of our lives. And while enduring this illness, God still uses us. He shows the masses that even in illness, you still have a destiny to fulfill; that nothing is an excuse for why you are NOT doing what God has called you to do. Think about people without limbs who go on to do extraordinary things or people living with cancer who start organizations and the list goes on and on. So get with the program or lose your destiny to the willing. Many are called, FEW ARE CHOSEN…get it?, got it? GOOD!

Fast forward to present day. So after running more tests it was discovered that the diagnosis was unclear. My doctor wasn’t convinced it was really Lupus. So she referred me to a specialist. He too confirmed that he didn’t believe it was really Lupus. Furthermore he was convinced it wasn’t rheumatoid arthritis either. You’d think I would be back flipping (if I had the strength to do so) in his office. But I wasn’t. “Well you are telling me all the things it isn’t, so what is it?” I asked. “I don’t know” he replied. The root of fear and uncertainty had formed a bud.  He mentioned my iron was low and prescribed me more medication for that. After a few days of no change in my condition and my symptoms coming back in full force, he added yet more pills to my dose and referred me to a neurologist. To date there is still not a diagnosis. There is no explanation as to why I can feel my body fighting itself. Why walking from my apartment to the car tires me out so much I feel like I just ran a 5K. There’s no explanation for the rash, the numbness, the headaches, the pain, the small flashes of light I see, the fact I can sleep for hours and wake up unrested. There’s only a dozen bottles of pills that line my countertop to subside these symptoms temporarily while slowly injecting my system with their many side effects.

Until next time….

Almost 30 & Dying - Reality Check

A message to my sisters (brothers still read, because there’s a small piece in there for you too)

Ladies (an especially my women of color) we need to get our priorities straight. Seriously!!! We have time for everything but what really matters. We got more excuses than the man on the moon. We have a million reasons why we don’t have time when the truth is we don’t love ourselves like we claim we do. We don’t value ourselves as much as we value the people and things around us. People make time for the things that that are important to them, which in most case is not really themselves. We have time for $300 weaves, time to slap goo gobs of makeup on our faces, squeeze our unhealthy bodies in tiny dresses, put on shoes that we’ll be carrying in our hands because they hurt so bad, only to parade around living a lie for people who don’t even matter. Ask yourself a question…When is the last time you’ve been to see your doctors? I mean all your doctors, the physician, the OBGYN, the dentist, etc. When is the last time you went to the gym or worked out consistency? When is the last time you cooked a healthy meal, put more than a couple dollars away in savings and sat down and read your word or meditated?  Ladies…..GET YO LIFE!!! (in my Tamar Braxton voice).

              Before you bore me with your list of reasons why you haven’t, (the hubby, the kids, work) let me give you some reality. The truth of the matter is, there is NO WAY on God’s green earth you will be able to give your family, friends, boo-thang, job, etc. 100% of you, when you aren’t even giving yourself that much. You are actually giving those folks a false sense of who you are. And if you think this doesn’t apply to you and you are positive you are fine living life like you are, let me give you a gentle reminder. Your body will shut down, you will lose your mind and all of this will happen in a split second. You won’t have time to plan or prevent it because when your body has reached its end, it will simply END!

              MAKE time for yourself. You deserve it, you require it, your life depends on it. Before you tackle the day or close your eyes to rest, there should be a moment or moments where you take time for yourself. Whether it is a walk around the neighbor, a soak in the tub, a quiet moment to reflect, you must dedicate time for yourself to relax, relate, release (A Different World episode reference…LOL).

(FOR THE MEN):

              You too play a role in this. MAN UP! Women can’t do everything all the darn time. It is time for men to take their rightful place in the home and relationship. Let me give you some reality to reflect on. This is spoken from a black woman’s perspective (the only one I know, but I am sure my other sisters of other races can relate). Life is hard enough without adding additional complications.

(Disclaimer – this is NOT every black woman’s experience and is not to generalize, but simply highlight some of the struggles we face. This is not inclusive of all struggles and is not limited to what is listed below. AND!!! These characteristics are not representative of an entire race or class of people).

The harsh reality is we must go to a job (in most cases we hate) and work hard to prove we are smart enough, talented enough and worthy enough to be there. We have to fight against the white man (who questions what we know), the black man (who is intimidated by our desire to climb the corporate ladder), other people of color (who often see and treat us as the stereotypes reflected on TV), the black woman (who sees each other as competition) and the white woman (who often refers to us as combative, aggressive and mean). All the while we are attempting to not play into the famous stereotype of being “The angry black woman” because we show emotion at work. Then we come home, cook dinner, clean the house, manage the kids, ‘tend to church or sorority business and speak life into the husband, boyfriend or boo-thang but not before we sex you like a porn star. All the while we do our best to maintain ourselves in fly attire, make up, hair and shoes, so we are something you can showcase to the world as your prized possession.

We hide our depression, disappointment, frustration for fear of appearing weak. We ignore the sick feeling because we don’t have time to be sick, there are a million things to be done. But like a volcano, it will only subside for a moment. So when we’ve reached our breaking point, it really isn’t that your socks in the floor was the problem, but the months of being strong when we were really weak has caught up to us. It is time for men to take a more proactive role in these relationships. When you ask her how her day was, actually stop and listen for her answer. Work on being in-tune with your woman. You should know her habits, actions and routine well enough that when something is out of place or wrong, she doesn’t have to tell you. Pay attention to the things she talks about, gets excited about and loves. Surprise her with things that will remind her that she is special, means something to you and is valued. Stop always thinking everything is money-based. A handwritten note, a text, a back rub, a break from the kids, a night off will make all the difference. Women want to feel secure, valued and appreciated. I PROMISE you that these small gestures will change the dynamics of your relationship. That woman has tricks up her sleeve that you haven’t been granted access to because you haven’t shown you deserve it. Remember life is like a bank. You can only withdraw what you deposit.

What am I really saying?

              A person can only give so much until they are in the negative. So if you aren’t making a deposit into this friendship, relationship, sex-ship…you get my point, then at some point you are going to get an error message that your “account” is in the negative. And like the bank does when you overdraft your account too many times, they re-evaluate the relationship and will end it if they believe you to be a risk to that financial institution. Life and relationships are the same way. Don’t be surprised if people start dropping you because you are making more withdraws then deposits. For the security and health of their lives, they can’t afford to maintain a relationship with someone so risky. So make more deposits than withdraws and you won’t have to worry about being in need.

If you love this woman like your say you do, SHOW HER. Actions really do speak louder than words. And BE CREATIVE. Shoot…you got GOOGLE, search some fun, in-expensive date ideas. But don’t always be so damn cheap…splurge on her from time to time…you know you got it! LOL! Seriously, this relationship is an investment and you have to be willing to invest. Don’t look for the benefits of something you aren’t putting the effort in to. MAKE TIME for her, it’s much more than a benefit for her, but it is an unbreakable foundation for your relationship, family and future.

Now ladies…back to you. GROW A PAIR! Get it together. The time is NOW for you to take back your life. And on a side note…SHUT UP! Sometimes everything doesn’t require a response or comment. If we spent half the time on ourselves that we do commenting on other people’s lives, kids, etc. we’d be in a better position. Seriously, we need to stop giving life to so much negativity in our lives.  And LOSE the attitude. Somethings can be heard and understood without the added attitude. I promise you, your kids, boyfriend/husband, co-workers tune you out 90% of the time the minute that neck gets to rolling. Remember you can show people better than you can tell them. If you’ve asked your kids to clean their room, no need to always yell. Just do what my mother did. She got tired of telling me and just put EVERYTHING in a trash bag. I came home to a mattress, no sheets or nothing Jesus (LOL…seriously). She never had to tell me to clean my room again. Have you asked your husband to look at the car because it was making a noise and he hasn’t  Get your butt on the bus or get a ride from a friend. When he ask you what you’re doing, tell him clearly your safety isn’t a priority so until the car is fixed, you’ll find safer transportation. Stop telling and start showing. Then spend that extra time working on you. Making sure you are pleasure to be around. Be sure people genuinely enjoy your company and are not simply just tolerating you. Stop with all the excuses, reasons and laundry list of to-do’s that prevent you from taking care of yourself. You know what things you need to do, I don’t need to give you a list. But remember, you are the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON TO YOU or at least you should be. Because NO ONE, I repeat NO ONE will love you greater than you can love yourself. And when you make yourself a priority, it sets the tone and atmosphere for how others will treat you. Start TODAY….the time is NOW!!

Until next time….

 

          

Posted 9, August, 2013

Almost 30 & Dying - Installment 1 - The Disclaimer

Imagining waking up tomorrow and realizing you are on the fast track to death. No, literally you went from being semi-healthy to your body completely shutting down with no valid explanation from the medical experts you expect to know. I mean yea, you know you should work out more, stop with the fast food and drink more water. Yea you know you got to get more sleep and realize you can’t squeeze 30 hrs in a 24hr day. But never in a million years did you think you’d wake up one day and realize that any day could literally be your last. No one had to give you a timeline, because the reality that in the next 5 mins you could drop dead is a scary enough. Welcome to my reality! Now I am not writing this for your sympathy, but as my duty to send a message to the masses that the time is NOW!!! The time to value life, appreciate the good, bad and ugly. To remind friends and family what they mean to you. The time is now to achieve that dream and stop simply putting it off for tomorrow. The time to make your spiritual walk a priority is now. It is the time to stop making excuses for all the reason we aren’t where we want and God desires us to be.

              I contemplated even sharing my story, but God has a way of sending the message loud and clear. I have loved writing since forever, but never stayed committed to it because I honestly didn’t think people cared enough to read what I had to say. So I dibbled and dabbled over the years. People would ask me all the time when I’d follow up on the last piece I wrote, and I would get super excited, write something, then say naw it’s not good enough to post. Then my illness set in and can you imagine where it started? My hands! I chalked it up as carpal tunnel…clearly NOT THE CASE. You’d think I’d make the spiritual connection, but clearly I didn’t. You can’t connect the spiritual dots if you are NOT in-tune with God for real (that’s a conversation for another day). But what I love about God is he is such a gentleman. He’ll tell you over and over, and when he realizes you aren’t getting it, he will use his willing servants to send the message; and that he did. Let me pause right here briefly (put a quarter in the meter). Don’t EVER allow yourself to miss the opportunity to let God use you. If he drops someone in your spirit or instructs you to take action….MOVE! You don’t have to know the background, circumstance or situation. You got the order from God and all he asks is for you to be obedient. Let him do the rest. God hears our deepest most silent prayers. He uses the willing to communicate messages of love, joy, faith, encouragement and discipline. Don’t worry yourself with whether the person will receive it. You aren’t responsible for that, you simply are required to be obedient and God will move in his infinite grace and do the rest. So stop creating all these “conditions” or “rules” before you just do what God told you to do. MOVE ALREADY!

-        Time on the meter has run out…back to my story!! -

The confirmation that I needed to write came in a couple of forms. Shout out to God for knowing I am one of his special children that needs 3 and 4 signs before I trust the message (I know I am not alone).

 Message 1 – Friends, family, Facebook followers and strangers kept telling me to start a blog. They’d laugh, agree, and high five the things I would say. All I kept hearing is “girl, you need to start a blog or put videos on youtube, because you are saying something” The closest I got to that was starting Facebook groups where I ranted about reality shows I probably shouldn’t be watching…LOL and posting 1 or 2 videos on youtube.

Message 2 – I was granted the opportunity to submit a writing sample about dating in charlotte to a local magazine. I did it, got rave reviews, and was asked for a follow up….that still hasn’t happened…don’t judge me!

Message 3 – After my illness set in, my LS’s mom, Rev. Dawn Christopher asked to pray with me. There was NO ONE more that I wanted to connect with. Anyone who knows Rev. Christopher knows that the minute she opens her mouth, the tears begin to flow. The anointing on her life is indescribable. Her willingness to actively listen to the voice of God and speak with authority will awaken even the most dormant dead spirit man. Within her spiritual strength she approaches delivering the word with the soothing power of a mother, the wisdom of a grandmother and with simplicity that anyone at any spiritual level will understand. She pulled me aside at our Delta Convention, placed one hand gently on my back and the other in my hands. From the first touch, the tears started to flow. I immediately felt a sense of rest. No frustration, no confusion, no uncertainty.  As she prayed she spoke of things I had not told ANYONE. Fears that only God knew from the tears that flowed down my face nightly. The fact that I really hadn’t slept since getting the news, because I was so scared I’d died in my sleep and now one would know for days. She spoke of how scared I was because the doctors couldn’t explain my illness, the secret thoughts that the end of my life was closer than I thought.  None of these things I ever spoke to anyone. As she prayed she’d occasionally stop and ask me questions and give me instruction. She was listening to God’s voice as the Holy Spirit continued to intercede on our behalf. At one point she told God she wasn’t going to ask for healing, because the bible was clear that healing was already inside us when Jesus died on the cross. All we needed him to do is activate what already existed through the blood of his son (LOVED THAT). Then finally right as she was wrapping up the prayer and I am sure I had soaked her hands with tears, she asked me was the illness in my hands? I mumbled yes. She said, God is telling you to write, there is something in you he wants to communicate and through this experience the message will be heard loud and clear….MESSAGE!

See how awesome God is. See what being a willing vessel can do. Is my illness gone, HECK NO! But I’ve been able to sleep much better than before. And in those weak moments, when the thoughts of death beset me, I remember that brief moment when someone prayed with me, not just for me. Someone touched and agreed that healing was mine, saith the Lord. I remember that God loves me enough to send a messenger over and over to remind me to walk in the destiny he had for me well before I was even created. And every morning I open my eyes I am reminded that my destiny isn’t complete.

When they say life changes quickly, they weren’t lying. How many times have you posted something to remind your Facebook following to appreciate life, to value the people you know and love and to live life to the fullest? The better question is how often do you actually do the things you post? It’s easier to post these inspirational messages because it doesn’t require work. It doesn’t shift behavior, interrupt complacency, or force you to actually take an action. Today is the day we move from simply posting to actually doing.

Promise yourself today that you will be more actively engaged in living the life God gave you to the fullest every day. Literally commit to “NO DAYS OFF.” Promise yourself to call that friend, text that family member or let someone know they are thought of. “NO DAYS OFF” from giving yourself everything you deserve, from working hard, from being a better you. Life is not promised, but Death is certain. You really don’t know the day, time or hour when your number will be called. But what you can do until then is ensure your legacy lives well after you have been called home to glory. You can rest in paradise knowing lives were changed, futures were brightened and the message of God was shared with all those you encountered. 

Now I hope you enjoy the beginning of a series I call….Almost 30 and dying! 

Almost 30 & Dying - Installment 1 - The Disclaimer

Imagining waking up tomorrow and realizing you are on the fast track to death. No, literally you went from being semi-healthy to your body completely shutting down with no valid explanation from the medical experts you expect to know. I mean yea, you know you should work out more, stop with the fast food and drink more water. Yea you know you got to get more sleep and realize you can’t squeeze 30 hrs in a 24hr day. But never in a million years did you think you’d wake up one day and realize that any day could literally be your last. No one had to give you a timeline, because the reality that in the next 5 mins you could drop dead is a scary enough. Welcome to my reality! Now I am not writing this for your sympathy, but as my duty to send a message to the masses that the time is NOW!!! The time to value life, appreciate the good, bad and ugly. To remind friends and family what they mean to you. The time is now to achieve that dream and stop simply putting it off for tomorrow. The time to make your spiritual walk a priority is now. It is the time to stop making excuses for all the reason we aren’t where we want and God desires us to be.

              I contemplated even sharing my story, but God has a way of sending the message loud and clear. I have loved writing since forever, but never stayed committed to it because I honestly didn’t think people cared enough to read what I had to say. So I dibbled and dabbled over the years. People would ask me all the time when I’d follow up on the last piece I wrote, and I would get super excited, write something, then say naw it’s not good enough to post. Then my illness set in and can you imagine where it started? My hands! I chalked it up as carpal tunnel…clearly NOT THE CASE. You’d think I’d make the spiritual connection, but clearly I didn’t. You can’t connect the spiritual dots if you are NOT in-tune with God for real (that’s a conversation for another day). But what I love about God is he is such a gentleman. He’ll tell you over and over, and when he realizes you aren’t getting it, he will use his willing servants to send the message; and that he did. Let me pause right here briefly (put a quarter in the meter). Don’t EVER allow yourself to miss the opportunity to let God use you. If he drops someone in your spirit or instructs you to take action….MOVE! You don’t have to know the background, circumstance or situation. You got the order from God and all he asks is for you to be obedient. Let him do the rest. God hears our deepest most silent prayers. He uses the willing to communicate messages of love, joy, faith, encouragement and discipline. Don’t worry yourself with whether the person will receive it. You aren’t responsible for that, you simply are required to be obedient and God will move in his infinite grace and do the rest. So stop creating all these “conditions” or “rules” before you just do what God told you to do. MOVE ALREADY!

-        Time on the meter has run out…back to my story!! -

The confirmation that I needed to write came in a couple of forms. Shout out to God for knowing I am one of his special children that needs 3 and 4 signs before I trust the message (I know I am not alone).

 Message 1 – Friends, family, Facebook followers and strangers kept telling me to start a blog. They’d laugh, agree, and high five the things I would say. All I kept hearing is “girl, you need to start a blog or put videos on youtube, because you are saying something” The closest I got to that was starting Facebook groups where I ranted about reality shows I probably shouldn’t be watching…LOL and posting 1 or 2 videos on youtube.

Message 2 – I was granted the opportunity to submit a writing sample about dating in charlotte to a local magazine. I did it, got rave reviews, and was asked for a follow up….that still hasn’t happened…don’t judge me!

Message 3 – After my illness set in, my LS’s mom, Rev. Dawn Christopher asked to pray with me. There was NO ONE more that I wanted to connect with. Anyone who knows Rev. Christopher knows that the minute she opens her mouth, the tears begin to flow. The anointing on her life is indescribable. Her willingness to actively listen to the voice of God and speak with authority will awaken even the most dormant dead spirit man. Within her spiritual strength she approaches delivering the word with the soothing power of a mother, the wisdom of a grandmother and with simplicity that anyone at any spiritual level will understand. She pulled me aside at our Delta Convention, placed one hand gently on my back and the other in my hands. From the first touch, the tears started to flow. I immediately felt a sense of rest. No frustration, no confusion, no uncertainty.  As she prayed she spoke of things I had not told ANYONE. Fears that only God knew from the tears that flowed down my face nightly. The fact that I really hadn’t slept since getting the news, because I was so scared I’d died in my sleep and now one would know for days. She spoke of how scared I was because the doctors couldn’t explain my illness, the secret thoughts that the end of my life was closer than I thought.  None of these things I ever spoke to anyone. As she prayed she’d occasionally stop and ask me questions and give me instruction. She was listening to God’s voice as the Holy Spirit continued to intercede on our behalf. At one point she told God she wasn’t going to ask for healing, because the bible was clear that healing was already inside us when Jesus died on the cross. All we needed him to do is activate what already existed through the blood of his son (LOVED THAT). Then finally right as she was wrapping up the prayer and I am sure I had soaked her hands with tears, she asked me was the illness in my hands? I mumbled yes. She said, God is telling you to write, there is something in you he wants to communicate and through this experience the message will be heard loud and clear….MESSAGE!

See how awesome God is. See what being a willing vessel can do. Is my illness gone, HECK NO! But I’ve been able to sleep much better than before. And in those weak moments, when the thoughts of death beset me, I remember that brief moment when someone prayed with me, not just for me. Someone touched and agreed that healing was mine, saith the Lord. I remember that God loves me enough to send a messenger over and over to remind me to walk in the destiny he had for me well before I was even created. And every morning I open my eyes I am reminded that my destiny isn’t complete.

When they say life changes quickly, they weren’t lying. How many times have you posted something to remind your Facebook following to appreciate life, to value the people you know and love and to live life to the fullest? The better question is how often do you actually do the things you post? It’s easier to post these inspirational messages because it doesn’t require work. It doesn’t shift behavior, interrupt complacency, or force you to actually take an action. Today is the day we move from simply posting to actually doing.

Promise yourself today that you will be more actively engaged in living the life God gave you to the fullest every day. Literally commit to “NO DAYS OFF.” Promise yourself to call that friend, text that family member or let someone know they are thought of. “NO DAYS OFF” from giving yourself everything you deserve, from working hard, from being a better you. Life is not promised, but Death is certain. You really don’t know the day, time or hour when your number will be called. But what you can do until then is ensure your legacy lives well after you have been called home to glory. You can rest in paradise knowing lives were changed, futures were brightened and the message of God was shared with all those you encountered. 

Now I hope you enjoy the beginning of a series I call….Almost 30 and dying!