Anyone who is a writer knows the suspense is what keeps your readers engaged and coming back for more. So forgive me for not giving you everything up front. I wanted you to get the purpose of my installments and not be so distracted by the irrelevant – my illness. However, as a writer I owe you enough information to be functional in my writing. Let me take you back to the day my life changed. Now, I am not the healthiest person but I continuously work to be better. I hate to work out, sometimes I “cheat” and eat really bad things but I am consistent with making and keeping my doctor appointments. Furthermore, I am in-tune with my body, so I know when something isn’t quite right.
One day I noticed a small red bump on my hand. It didn’t hurt, didn’t itch so I just ignored it. How many times have you noticed a cut or mark that you didn’t even remember getting? Days later, I woke up and my left arm was really numb. I just assume I slept wrong and maybe it had fallen asleep. The following week my right arm was in the same condition. Still nothing to ring the alarm about. That next week my hands started to hurt. I chalked it up as carpal tunnel and briefly mentioned it to my physician. She suggested getting some braces to wear at night, to counteract me tucking my hands under my head while I slept.
Later, I noticed the small red bump on my hands was joined by a few more on my arms. Then a butterfly shaped rash appeared. Again it didn’t hurt or itch, but didn’t seem right. At no point was I connecting the dots. There was no way the rash and the pain in my hands and arms were related. I just assumed everything was a coincidence. I made another appointment with my doctor and she asked if I had been out in the yard or bit by something. Now if you know me…like really know me. You know the Diva in me isn’t getting anywhere close to a garden, yard, or anything that would put me in a position to be “bit” or “attacked” lol. Nonetheless she drew blood and ran test. She too brushed the rash off as simply a bite or something that would simply go away on it’s on. That’s when the seed of fear and uncertainty was planted. My test results came back and showed my vitamin D was low. She put me on a supplement and sent me on my way.
Two days later my arms and hands shut down. Let me be clear, literally I could not use them. Could not move; lift myself out of the bed, nothing. Next time you wake up, try sitting up without leaning your weight on your hands and arms. I bet you will truly thank God for the activity of your limbs. Talk about scary. I was eventually able to muster up enough strength to get out of the bed and call a friend who took me to the emergency room. Unfortunately they couldn’t offer anything more than pain pills and a hefty bill. They too ran test and the ER doctor mentioned my blood count was really low. I am no medical doctor so those words went in one ear and out the other. I immediately made an emergency doctor’s appointment for the next day. Now we all know the doctor office routine. When you go to any appointment they check your weight. In a matter of 5 days I had lost almost 15lbs. Now my doctor was realizing this “unknown” was more serious than she imagined. Not only was my vitamin D low but so was my iron (back to that low blood count). It was starting to be clear that everything was related.
****Spiritual Moment****
Isn’t God awesome, he designed us in a way that our body will tell us when something is wrong? And it becomes like a domino effect, forcing us to take notice…just be thankful the creator loves us enough to send a “message”! So LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!!!
She ran more blood test, but this time the dynamics of those results were more definitive. This time she was checking specifically for Lupus, Lyme disease and a few other things. I had heard of Lupus and when those scary commercials about fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis came on TV, I always wonder who actually got those illnesses. So when the reality was I could be the chosen one, I was SCARED TO DEATH. I promise waiting for the results was probably at the same degree as someone who’s waiting to find out if they are HIV positive or not. Two days later, as I sat across from my doctor, the look on her face confirmed the news wasn’t good. “You tested positive for Lupus”. That’s all I heard, nothing else she said matter. I had done research, I had friends who had Lupus, so I was very clear about what it could do your body. I left the office hurt, frustrated, depressed, confused, angry, and an emotional wreck. The seed of fear and uncertainty had taken root.When I finally got close to my house, I pulled over and called my mother. I couldn’t even get the words, “I have Lupus” out without sobbing. Now I know all the spiritual people will say don’t speak those things out loud, God is a healer; we are going to pray this thing out of you. But you know what I say to that, I agree, however sometimes we can be so spiritual deep that we don’t realize God was clear when he said, “my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways.”
What are you saying Diva?
People used to always tell me I was so inspiring and inspirational. Then on April 26, 2008, the Wilmington (DE) Alumnae chapter of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc. named me “Inspiration”. FYI…there’s power in a name. Then I posted something on Instagram that said, I want people to be inspired by me, I wanted them to say meeting her changed my life. I even got “Inspiration” tatted on my foot, because everywhere I walk I want to inspire and allow God to transform lives through me. So after I initially processed “having lupus” and had cried all I could cry, I heard the still voice of God say, “You don’t get to choose how you Inspire”. It hit me like a ton of bricks. See, we know we have a destiny, but we want to control how we walk in that destiny. We want God to play by our rules. We want to fulfill our destiny on the days we feel motivated to do so, through the situations that bring us the most joy and without having to work. Well wake up and smell the roses, God isn’t on our time and his ways and thoughts ARE NOT our ways and thoughts. Sometimes having an illness or struggle is God’s way of sending a message to someone else. I have found in this life, many times we go through things so others don’t have to. Our life is an example of the power of God. Sometimes we are forced to live with an illness for the rest of our lives. And while enduring this illness, God still uses us. He shows the masses that even in illness, you still have a destiny to fulfill; that nothing is an excuse for why you are NOT doing what God has called you to do. Think about people without limbs who go on to do extraordinary things or people living with cancer who start organizations and the list goes on and on. So get with the program or lose your destiny to the willing. Many are called, FEW ARE CHOSEN…get it?, got it? GOOD!
Fast forward to present day. So after running more tests it was discovered that the diagnosis was unclear. My doctor wasn’t convinced it was really Lupus. So she referred me to a specialist. He too confirmed that he didn’t believe it was really Lupus. Furthermore he was convinced it wasn’t rheumatoid arthritis either. You’d think I would be back flipping (if I had the strength to do so) in his office. But I wasn’t. “Well you are telling me all the things it isn’t, so what is it?” I asked. “I don’t know” he replied. The root of fear and uncertainty had formed a bud. He mentioned my iron was low and prescribed me more medication for that. After a few days of no change in my condition and my symptoms coming back in full force, he added yet more pills to my dose and referred me to a neurologist. To date there is still not a diagnosis. There is no explanation as to why I can feel my body fighting itself. Why walking from my apartment to the car tires me out so much I feel like I just ran a 5K. There’s no explanation for the rash, the numbness, the headaches, the pain, the small flashes of light I see, the fact I can sleep for hours and wake up unrested. There’s only a dozen bottles of pills that line my countertop to subside these symptoms temporarily while slowly injecting my system with their many side effects.
Until next time….
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