I’m not going to lie, I’m sick of this shit (sorry mom). I’m tired of popping pills, waking up in pain; being sleepy, plastering a fake smile on my face and believing things will get better. I’m tired of going to doctor after doctor, being asked the same questions, poked, pressed, stretched and stabbed only to leave without a diagnosis. I’m sick of the looks the doctors and specialist give me as if they don’t believe I’m experiencing the pain I am. I’m tired of putting on for friends and family when the truth is I want to quit, I want to give up, I want to be done with this shit (sorry again mom). The waiting game might be the hardest part of this journey. I remember telling the 6th doctor I’d seen in my last visit to just tell me it’s cancer or something so we can move on. The truth is I don’t really want cancer; I just want to know what this is that is taking over my body and develop a path forward.
I struggled with sharing this part of the story because everyone has been so encouraging about holding on and trusting God. But I wouldn’t be true to the purpose of this journey if I didn’t share the real raw side of trusting God. I have learned in this walk with our Creator, there is a lot of time spent in the “waiting room” of life. And if you have ever been in a waiting room, whether it was at the hospital, hair salon or doctor’s office, you know there aren’t enough magazines, TV news or small talk in the world. All you are thinking is damn my appointment was at 10:00 and it’s 10:30 and I still haven’t been called back. That’s how this walk of faith with God is. You know you are destined for greatest, you know he will come through but trusting his timing is a killer. The waiting room is the period in which you are building your faith, testing whether you really believe all that stuff you say. See when we aren’t going through we will shout at the highest mountain top that God is good, He’s always on time and you trust him with your life. However the minute trouble comes, all that goes straight out the window.
Waiting on God is hard because you are trying to convince your flesh to believe in spiritual things. My spirit woman has been on board with God since this started. Convincing her that God will heal and deliver was a piece of cake. But it is my human side, my flesh that isn’t buying it. See my flesh only remembers the pain, loneliness and abandonment. She only operates in fact and not on faith. She knows what she sees, feels and remembers from past experiences. So trying to tell her that God is working this thing out does nothing to satisfy the pain that is being felt as I type this. My flesh wants results NOW and honestly….I’m with her on that!
I would be a liar if I said I don’t have faith that God is going to work this out. However I am so mad at him right now that I could scream. Actually I do scream and cry a lot at God (mostly in the car and the shower). I am mad because no one can tell me what is happening to my body. I go into every doctor’s appointment hoping this is the game changer visit. I’m mad because God is being silent. He’s not talking; he’s not showing up…he simply has me sitting in the waiting room guessing when he’ll call my name. I’m mad because I know this quiet period is the building and testing of my faith. It’s uncomfortable, it’s challenging, it’s growth and it’s hard. Look, you don’t have to remind me that this is a part of the process. I know that. Honestly I don’t want hear. Not because it isn’t true, but because today my flesh has a slight lead over my spirit woman. I know what I have to do…feed my spirit. Strengthen her to win the battle over my flesh. Shoot it shouldn’t be hard, because my flesh is being beat down by this illness anyway. Know your intercessory prayers are definitely helping to build her back up while I struggle internally. But that doesn’t change my frustration with God. Funny thing is; I’m sure my frustration is minor to our Creator. He probably laughs at the idea. But because he is a sensitive and loving God, I know he is empathetic to my honest feelings. I love that my relationship with God is real and authentic. I don’t go in with all the spooky deep talk. I simply go to him like I would my girlfriends. I tell him exactly how I’m feeling and what I think. I’m sure God thinks I am a complete nut…LOL. But there is no sense in putting on for God, when he knows my thoughts before I even think them.
Building faith is HARD! God said we only need to have faith the size of a mustard seed…have you seen a mustard seed? It’s tiny! You would think it would be easy to build that amount of faith. Unfortunately that isn’t the case. Faith is built not for the current situation, but for the next dimension or level God is moving you too. Think about it like this….do you remember playing Mario Bros as a kid. At the end of every level you had to fight some random bad guy for an extra life or two. Then when you got to the next level that same bad guy you just defeated was actually who you would have to fight to win that level. Those extra lives came in handy though. That’s how building faith works. God gives you a glimpse, a preview, a snapshot. He shows you the beginning and the end of a thing, but never the middle. If he showed us what we had to go through we wouldn’t want to do it. We’d complain it would be too hard and we’d never build faith in God or in ourselves for that matter. So God shows you the beginning and what the end will be which is that you will win. Your faith is built during the “middle” of the journey. So when you reach the end (because God declared you would) you will have unwavering faith in God and in yourself. You’ll be able to say to that mountain, move and the mountain will be moved. (FYI…stop climbing these mountains in life….God said SPEAK to it and it will move. So speak to that situation and watch it change. Some of yall been wasting time, tiring yourself out and stressing over things you only needed to speak too, not fight, climb and battle!)
I have no idea how much longer I will be in this waiting room. And honestly if I am here for the rest of my life, the truth of the matter is God has already done enough. I remember having a conversation with my pastor about an unrelated issue (let’s NOT even go there). He told me God is trying to teach me the purpose and value of patience which is completely different than learning patience. I’m sure from the cross-eyed look I gave him he could see I wasn’t buying it. He told me I have already learned patience, but I struggle with understanding the value and purpose of being patient. After I took a retrospective look at our discussion I had to agree (not willingly…lol). I don’t have a problem with being patient, but the controlling aspect of who I am and some deep rooted scars from my past put me in a place where I have to know why things are the way they are. Not because I plan to change them, but there is security in being able to have tangible reasons for why. However, we know there are plenty of times in our spiritual walk where you don’t ever get a reason, you just experience what you experience and life goes on. However if God could send me a Facebook message, email or text to let me know he hasn’t forgotten that would be cool too (LOL…but very serious). So maybe while I’m in this lonely waiting room, I will learn the purpose and value of patience. But Lord knows learning patience and its purpose is hard as Chinese arithmetic. Be careful when you ask for patience…because you never get the lesson the way you thought you would. God gives the test than teaches the lesson…and I was never a fan of “pop- up quizzes” in school.
Whatever waiting room you are in, whether you are waiting on new job, a husband or wife, children, healing in your body, rest in your mind, whatever…sit still and WAIT. I won’t promise that we won’t get weak; that we won’t want to throw in the towel and walk clear out of this damn waiting room. I can actually guarantee those feelings will happen. But we have to promise that we will do our best to sit still and let God work. Let this waiting room period build our faith for the journey ahead. So while we’re sitting in this waiting room, we must prepare to read all the magazines, suffer through the uninteresting TV and visit the snack and coffee machine as often as need. Just make sure your spiddy senses are active so you don’t miss when God calls your name.
Until next time…..
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