A message to my sisters (brothers still read, because there’s a small piece in there for you too)
Ladies (an especially my women of color) we need to get our priorities straight. Seriously!!! We have time for everything but what really matters. We got more excuses than the man on the moon. We have a million reasons why we don’t have time when the truth is we don’t love ourselves like we claim we do. We don’t value ourselves as much as we value the people and things around us. People make time for the things that that are important to them, which in most case is not really themselves. We have time for $300 weaves, time to slap goo gobs of makeup on our faces, squeeze our unhealthy bodies in tiny dresses, put on shoes that we’ll be carrying in our hands because they hurt so bad, only to parade around living a lie for people who don’t even matter. Ask yourself a question…When is the last time you’ve been to see your doctors? I mean all your doctors, the physician, the OBGYN, the dentist, etc. When is the last time you went to the gym or worked out consistency? When is the last time you cooked a healthy meal, put more than a couple dollars away in savings and sat down and read your word or meditated? Ladies…..GET YO LIFE!!! (in my Tamar Braxton voice).
Before you bore me with your list of reasons why you haven’t, (the hubby, the kids, work) let me give you some reality. The truth of the matter is, there is NO WAY on God’s green earth you will be able to give your family, friends, boo-thang, job, etc. 100% of you, when you aren’t even giving yourself that much. You are actually giving those folks a false sense of who you are. And if you think this doesn’t apply to you and you are positive you are fine living life like you are, let me give you a gentle reminder. Your body will shut down, you will lose your mind and all of this will happen in a split second. You won’t have time to plan or prevent it because when your body has reached its end, it will simply END!
MAKE time for yourself. You deserve it, you require it, your life depends on it. Before you tackle the day or close your eyes to rest, there should be a moment or moments where you take time for yourself. Whether it is a walk around the neighbor, a soak in the tub, a quiet moment to reflect, you must dedicate time for yourself to relax, relate, release (A Different World episode reference…LOL).
(FOR THE MEN):
You too play a role in this. MAN UP! Women can’t do everything all the darn time. It is time for men to take their rightful place in the home and relationship. Let me give you some reality to reflect on. This is spoken from a black woman’s perspective (the only one I know, but I am sure my other sisters of other races can relate). Life is hard enough without adding additional complications.
(Disclaimer – this is NOT every black woman’s experience and is not to generalize, but simply highlight some of the struggles we face. This is not inclusive of all struggles and is not limited to what is listed below. AND!!! These characteristics are not representative of an entire race or class of people).
The harsh reality is we must go to a job (in most cases we hate) and work hard to prove we are smart enough, talented enough and worthy enough to be there. We have to fight against the white man (who questions what we know), the black man (who is intimidated by our desire to climb the corporate ladder), other people of color (who often see and treat us as the stereotypes reflected on TV), the black woman (who sees each other as competition) and the white woman (who often refers to us as combative, aggressive and mean). All the while we are attempting to not play into the famous stereotype of being “The angry black woman” because we show emotion at work. Then we come home, cook dinner, clean the house, manage the kids, ‘tend to church or sorority business and speak life into the husband, boyfriend or boo-thang but not before we sex you like a porn star. All the while we do our best to maintain ourselves in fly attire, make up, hair and shoes, so we are something you can showcase to the world as your prized possession.
We hide our depression, disappointment, frustration for fear of appearing weak. We ignore the sick feeling because we don’t have time to be sick, there are a million things to be done. But like a volcano, it will only subside for a moment. So when we’ve reached our breaking point, it really isn’t that your socks in the floor was the problem, but the months of being strong when we were really weak has caught up to us. It is time for men to take a more proactive role in these relationships. When you ask her how her day was, actually stop and listen for her answer. Work on being in-tune with your woman. You should know her habits, actions and routine well enough that when something is out of place or wrong, she doesn’t have to tell you. Pay attention to the things she talks about, gets excited about and loves. Surprise her with things that will remind her that she is special, means something to you and is valued. Stop always thinking everything is money-based. A handwritten note, a text, a back rub, a break from the kids, a night off will make all the difference. Women want to feel secure, valued and appreciated. I PROMISE you that these small gestures will change the dynamics of your relationship. That woman has tricks up her sleeve that you haven’t been granted access to because you haven’t shown you deserve it. Remember life is like a bank. You can only withdraw what you deposit.
What am I really saying?
A person can only give so much until they are in the negative. So if you aren’t making a deposit into this friendship, relationship, sex-ship…you get my point, then at some point you are going to get an error message that your “account” is in the negative. And like the bank does when you overdraft your account too many times, they re-evaluate the relationship and will end it if they believe you to be a risk to that financial institution. Life and relationships are the same way. Don’t be surprised if people start dropping you because you are making more withdraws then deposits. For the security and health of their lives, they can’t afford to maintain a relationship with someone so risky. So make more deposits than withdraws and you won’t have to worry about being in need.
If you love this woman like your say you do, SHOW HER. Actions really do speak louder than words. And BE CREATIVE. Shoot…you got GOOGLE, search some fun, in-expensive date ideas. But don’t always be so damn cheap…splurge on her from time to time…you know you got it! LOL! Seriously, this relationship is an investment and you have to be willing to invest. Don’t look for the benefits of something you aren’t putting the effort in to. MAKE TIME for her, it’s much more than a benefit for her, but it is an unbreakable foundation for your relationship, family and future.
Now ladies…back to you. GROW A PAIR! Get it together. The time is NOW for you to take back your life. And on a side note…SHUT UP! Sometimes everything doesn’t require a response or comment. If we spent half the time on ourselves that we do commenting on other people’s lives, kids, etc. we’d be in a better position. Seriously, we need to stop giving life to so much negativity in our lives. And LOSE the attitude. Somethings can be heard and understood without the added attitude. I promise you, your kids, boyfriend/husband, co-workers tune you out 90% of the time the minute that neck gets to rolling. Remember you can show people better than you can tell them. If you’ve asked your kids to clean their room, no need to always yell. Just do what my mother did. She got tired of telling me and just put EVERYTHING in a trash bag. I came home to a mattress, no sheets or nothing Jesus (LOL…seriously). She never had to tell me to clean my room again. Have you asked your husband to look at the car because it was making a noise and he hasn’t Get your butt on the bus or get a ride from a friend. When he ask you what you’re doing, tell him clearly your safety isn’t a priority so until the car is fixed, you’ll find safer transportation. Stop telling and start showing. Then spend that extra time working on you. Making sure you are pleasure to be around. Be sure people genuinely enjoy your company and are not simply just tolerating you. Stop with all the excuses, reasons and laundry list of to-do’s that prevent you from taking care of yourself. You know what things you need to do, I don’t need to give you a list. But remember, you are the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON TO YOU or at least you should be. Because NO ONE, I repeat NO ONE will love you greater than you can love yourself. And when you make yourself a priority, it sets the tone and atmosphere for how others will treat you. Start TODAY….the time is NOW!!
Until next time….
Almost 30 & Dying - Installment 1 - The Disclaimer
Imagining waking up tomorrow and realizing you are on the fast track to death. No, literally you went from being semi-healthy to your body completely shutting down with no valid explanation from the medical experts you expect to know. I mean yea, you know you should work out more, stop with the fast food and drink more water. Yea you know you got to get more sleep and realize you can’t squeeze 30 hrs in a 24hr day. But never in a million years did you think you’d wake up one day and realize that any day could literally be your last. No one had to give you a timeline, because the reality that in the next 5 mins you could drop dead is a scary enough. Welcome to my reality! Now I am not writing this for your sympathy, but as my duty to send a message to the masses that the time is NOW!!! The time to value life, appreciate the good, bad and ugly. To remind friends and family what they mean to you. The time is now to achieve that dream and stop simply putting it off for tomorrow. The time to make your spiritual walk a priority is now. It is the time to stop making excuses for all the reason we aren’t where we want and God desires us to be.
I contemplated even sharing my story, but God has a way of sending the message loud and clear. I have loved writing since forever, but never stayed committed to it because I honestly didn’t think people cared enough to read what I had to say. So I dibbled and dabbled over the years. People would ask me all the time when I’d follow up on the last piece I wrote, and I would get super excited, write something, then say naw it’s not good enough to post. Then my illness set in and can you imagine where it started? My hands! I chalked it up as carpal tunnel…clearly NOT THE CASE. You’d think I’d make the spiritual connection, but clearly I didn’t. You can’t connect the spiritual dots if you are NOT in-tune with God for real (that’s a conversation for another day). But what I love about God is he is such a gentleman. He’ll tell you over and over, and when he realizes you aren’t getting it, he will use his willing servants to send the message; and that he did. Let me pause right here briefly (put a quarter in the meter). Don’t EVER allow yourself to miss the opportunity to let God use you. If he drops someone in your spirit or instructs you to take action….MOVE! You don’t have to know the background, circumstance or situation. You got the order from God and all he asks is for you to be obedient. Let him do the rest. God hears our deepest most silent prayers. He uses the willing to communicate messages of love, joy, faith, encouragement and discipline. Don’t worry yourself with whether the person will receive it. You aren’t responsible for that, you simply are required to be obedient and God will move in his infinite grace and do the rest. So stop creating all these “conditions” or “rules” before you just do what God told you to do. MOVE ALREADY!
- Time on the meter has run out…back to my story!! -
The confirmation that I needed to write came in a couple of forms. Shout out to God for knowing I am one of his special children that needs 3 and 4 signs before I trust the message (I know I am not alone).
Message 1 – Friends, family, Facebook followers and strangers kept telling me to start a blog. They’d laugh, agree, and high five the things I would say. All I kept hearing is “girl, you need to start a blog or put videos on youtube, because you are saying something” The closest I got to that was starting Facebook groups where I ranted about reality shows I probably shouldn’t be watching…LOL and posting 1 or 2 videos on youtube.
Message 2 – I was granted the opportunity to submit a writing sample about dating in charlotte to a local magazine. I did it, got rave reviews, and was asked for a follow up….that still hasn’t happened…don’t judge me!
Message 3 – After my illness set in, my LS’s mom, Rev. Dawn Christopher asked to pray with me. There was NO ONE more that I wanted to connect with. Anyone who knows Rev. Christopher knows that the minute she opens her mouth, the tears begin to flow. The anointing on her life is indescribable. Her willingness to actively listen to the voice of God and speak with authority will awaken even the most dormant dead spirit man. Within her spiritual strength she approaches delivering the word with the soothing power of a mother, the wisdom of a grandmother and with simplicity that anyone at any spiritual level will understand. She pulled me aside at our Delta Convention, placed one hand gently on my back and the other in my hands. From the first touch, the tears started to flow. I immediately felt a sense of rest. No frustration, no confusion, no uncertainty. As she prayed she spoke of things I had not told ANYONE. Fears that only God knew from the tears that flowed down my face nightly. The fact that I really hadn’t slept since getting the news, because I was so scared I’d died in my sleep and now one would know for days. She spoke of how scared I was because the doctors couldn’t explain my illness, the secret thoughts that the end of my life was closer than I thought. None of these things I ever spoke to anyone. As she prayed she’d occasionally stop and ask me questions and give me instruction. She was listening to God’s voice as the Holy Spirit continued to intercede on our behalf. At one point she told God she wasn’t going to ask for healing, because the bible was clear that healing was already inside us when Jesus died on the cross. All we needed him to do is activate what already existed through the blood of his son (LOVED THAT). Then finally right as she was wrapping up the prayer and I am sure I had soaked her hands with tears, she asked me was the illness in my hands? I mumbled yes. She said, God is telling you to write, there is something in you he wants to communicate and through this experience the message will be heard loud and clear….MESSAGE!
See how awesome God is. See what being a willing vessel can do. Is my illness gone, HECK NO! But I’ve been able to sleep much better than before. And in those weak moments, when the thoughts of death beset me, I remember that brief moment when someone prayed with me, not just for me. Someone touched and agreed that healing was mine, saith the Lord. I remember that God loves me enough to send a messenger over and over to remind me to walk in the destiny he had for me well before I was even created. And every morning I open my eyes I am reminded that my destiny isn’t complete.
When they say life changes quickly, they weren’t lying. How many times have you posted something to remind your Facebook following to appreciate life, to value the people you know and love and to live life to the fullest? The better question is how often do you actually do the things you post? It’s easier to post these inspirational messages because it doesn’t require work. It doesn’t shift behavior, interrupt complacency, or force you to actually take an action. Today is the day we move from simply posting to actually doing.
Promise yourself today that you will be more actively engaged in living the life God gave you to the fullest every day. Literally commit to “NO DAYS OFF.” Promise yourself to call that friend, text that family member or let someone know they are thought of. “NO DAYS OFF” from giving yourself everything you deserve, from working hard, from being a better you. Life is not promised, but Death is certain. You really don’t know the day, time or hour when your number will be called. But what you can do until then is ensure your legacy lives well after you have been called home to glory. You can rest in paradise knowing lives were changed, futures were brightened and the message of God was shared with all those you encountered.
Now I hope you enjoy the beginning of a series I call….Almost 30 and dying!
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